Why?
by JessaLucas
Summary: For Sarah Mackenzie, character is destiny. Warning not a Mac friendly story.


Title: Why?

Summary: What if Mac were on the receiving end of her own treachery.

Disclaimer – not mine – but I like to play with them.

Author's note: This is NOT a Harm/Mac story and it goes so far off the beaten path that AU may be an understatement. If you adore Mac, stop reading now – this be your only warning.

It had been a year and a half since that night. 18 months since Harm woke up to find himself alone in his bed. Having fallen asleep with Mac in his arms, he had been surprised to find her gone when he awoke the next morning. He had been a little drunk last night, but remembered everything. Assuming she had gone home to change for work, he called and left a message on her answering machine.

"Mac, Sarah. I just wanted to wish you good morning and I can't wait to see you at the office. Last night was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. I love you."

He never knew if she heard those words, never even had a chance to say them to her in person. When he got to the office that morning, he had been informed that Mac had given the Admiral her resignation papers. By the time Harm had gotten to her apartment, all of her belongings were gone.

His first thought was that Webb had to have had something to do with this, but even after the threat, promise, and followed through bodily damage inflicted upon him, Webb still swore he knew nothing. No one knew anything. Mac had left no forwarding address. She had closed out her bank account. She was gone, pure and simple.

He had spent the next year and a half looking for her. She had made one mistake. Harm had finally thought to contact Mathew O'Hara to see if he had heard from his niece. He had told Harm the last time he talked to her was when she had called about her friend using his house in Phoenix. He took some leave time and drove to to the area where Mathew O'Hara said he owned a home, and waited. It didn't take long to find her. He thought about confronting her right away, but wanted to make sure she wasn't in some kind of danger and that his appearance wouldn't jeopardize her safety. He spent a week watching her. Upon finding her healthy, well, and apparently not in any danger, any affection or concern he had had over the last 18 months faded.

Upon seeing the baby she had been toting about everywhere she went, a baby who looked to be about 9 months old, with huge blue gray eyes, he became enraged. Using cash, he hired a P.I. to quietly ask around about Mac. She had been using the name Janet Kingsley. She had lived here about 18 months. She was a single mom, the father had apparently abandoned them after finding out about her being pregnant. Harm nearly put his fist through the wall after hearing that story. She lived in a house owned by the uncle of an old friend. The uncle was in Leavenworth so he had no use for the home. She kept to herself for the most part.

Disguising himself as a Doctor, complete with coat, stethoscope, name tag and glasses, Harm went to the hospital where Mac's (Janet's) child had been born and managed to get a copy of the birth certificate. He had been intending to try and get an idea of what blood type the baby had, but found it was not necessary after seeing his name listed as the birth father. His blood was boiling, but he knew he needed to calm down before doing anything rash.

Later that night, in his hotel room, an idea came to him. He contacted the Admiral the next day and asked to considered on terminal leave. His heart was no longer in the law or the Navy and he wanted a fresh start somewhere where the memories weren't overpowering. After much consideration, the Admiral agreed. He hated to lose such a valuable officer, but he understood Harm's need to get on with his life someplace else. Harm went back to DC, packed up his apartment, and said goodbye to all his friends. He didn't tell any of them that he had found Mac – or that he was a dad and she had kept that from him.

A week later, he was back in Phoenix. He waited until all the lights in "Janet's" home had been out for 3 hours. With the training of a seal, he slipped into the house, bundled the sleeping child up, and slipped back out. He left no evidence behind. No fingerprints, no hair fibers. Nothing that would indicate he had ever been there. He drove out to California and introduced his mom and Frank to their grandson. He explained the situation to them and, to put it lightly, they were pissed. At Mac. The idea that she could have done that to their son was appalling. Once they had held her in high regard. Now she only had their contempt. Frank flew himself, Harm and Trish to the sprawling estate he maintained in the Bahamas.

They had a copy of the original birth certificate, but Harm wanted to re-name the child. Since Frank was a Knowles – a native Bahamian, and maintained a home there, he had a lot of friends in high places. That, coupled with his money, got a new birth certificate issued for Landon Francis Rabb. It indicated that the birth mother was "whereabouts unknown". As long as Harm remained in the Bahama's, he would be safe and could raise his child in peace.

He had expected to feel some guilt over what he had done, but just couldn't seem to work up enough sympathy for Mac to care. What she had done was inexcusable. He had found out, through the P.I he had hired, that Mac had set up her new identity a few years back. Harm did some calculations and determined that it was right around the time they had made the baby deal. She knew Harm would keep his promise to her and she had been planning since that day. She had never had any intention to "share" a child with him. She only wanted his seed.

Having assigned certain character traits to Mac, it had taken him a long time to come to terms with the fact that she was none of the things he had thought her to be. Armed with this knowledge, the idea of her raising his child, especially alone, made his stomach churn. He had been lucky to have found her when he did. His son would have no memory of having been rescued by his father and he would grow up in the arms of a loving dad and surrounded by grandparents that adored him. Frank and Trish flew out each weekend to spend time with Harm and Landon. Eventually, Trish sold the gallery, Frank retired, and they both moved back to the estate.

Frank and Harm ran a charter service for tourists. One day, when Landon was 7 years old, Harm had been preparing the boat for their next couple of tourists. He was down in the galley stocking up food supplies when he heard a familiar voice.

"Excuse me. Is anyone on board? Hello? Captain?"

Harm popped up on deck and a smile broke over his face. "Bud, Harriet!! What are you guys doing here?"

"Command...er.. Harm! Oh my gosh!" Harriet ran up to him and gave him a hug, while Bud followed close behind, ready for a handshake. Harm grabbed Bud's hand, then pulled him in for a hug.

"This is your boat?" Bud asked.

"It is. Well, it is mine and my Dad's. Frank retired and we have been running a charter service for about 5 years now." He paused and stepped back to look at them both. "You guys are sure a sight for sore eyes. I have missed you both so much."

"We have missed you too Harm. A.J. asks about you often. He will be so happy to see you." Harriet expressed.

"He's here?"

"All the kids are. They are staying with Harriet's parents while we celebrate our 15th anniversary." Bud added.

"15 years? Wow, where did the time go?" About that time, Landon appeared on the dock lugging a cooler.

"Dad, grandpa asked me to bring this to you. Said he wanted to be sure you didn't forget drinks this time." He stopped when he realized he had interrupted a conversation.

"Oh, sorry dad." He moved next to his father and Bud and Harriet just stood there with their mouths hung wide. He was a miniature version of his dad, eyes, grin and all. His skin was golden from the sun and his hair was light brown and sun kissed. Harm smiled at the expressions both Bud and Harriet wore.

"Guys, I'd like you to meet my son, Landon. Landon, this is Bud and Harriet Roberts."

Landon extended his hand to Bud and then to Harriet. "Sir, ma'am, I'm pleased to meet you."

Harriet said to Harm, "Wow, can you teach that to our kids?"

Harm chuckled, then asked Landon to go tell his grandpa that he was leaving and would be back in 6 hours. After Landon had excused himself and left, Harm turned to Bud and Harriet.

"I guess we have some catching up to do, don't we?"

They spent the next few hours on the boat, talking and catching up. Bud and Harriet filled him in on all the latest gossip. The Admiral had retired. Coates had gotten promoted. Tiner had come back as a Jag and he and Coates were expecting their first child. Harriet told Harm all about A.J, Jimmy, and the twins. Harm noticed they did not bring up the subject of Mac.

Harm told them all about his charter service, living in the Bahamas, his parents having retired and moved here as well. Frank even flew Grams out several times a year. They were trying to convince her to come stay, but she just couldn't give up the farm. He went on and on about Landon. He was a good student, played the guitar, and was fluent in 2 languages. Harriet noticed he did not bring up the subject of Mac.

Finally, when Harriet could take it no longer, she asked the question both she and Bud had wanted to ask since meeting Landon.

"So Harm. Are we going to get to meet Landon's mom while we are here?"

Harm had been waiting for that. He was surprised that Harriet had held out as long as she had, but then, having kids increased a person's patience level exponentially. He set his drink down and got up out of the chair. He didn't want to lie to Bud and Harriet, but he wasn't sure telling them the truth was such a good idea. As far as he knew, they both still felt the same way about Mac as he had at one point. Telling them the truth would mean telling them what Mac had done and he would just as soon not relive those memories.

In the end, he merely told them that he did not know where Landon's mother was, which was the truth. He had been raising Landon since he was 9 months old with the help of his parents. Also the truth. It was painful for him to think about that time in his life and he doesn't really like to talk about the past. Bud and Harriet accepted this and the subject was dropped. Harriet was able to find out though, that Harm had been seeing a very nice woman named Safina. She had been born and raised in Freeport and sold real estate on the islands. They had been dating for 2 years.

When the boat ride was over, Harm invited Bud and Harriet to the estate to meet his parents. Safina was there helping Trish with dinner. Harm introduced Bud and Harriet to everyone, then showed them where they could freshen up before dinner. When he came back, he sneaked up behind Safina and wrapped his arms around her waist.

"So did you have a good time today?" She asked.

"It was wonderful. I can't believe how much I missed my old friends."

"You should keep in touch with them now that you know."

He loved the little accent she had. The sound of her voice was so velvety. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and inhaled the scent of her shampoo.

"I believe I will." He said, then turned her around for a warm kiss.

She looked into his eyes and once again reminded herself this was real and not a dream. He was the most amazing man she had ever met, and he had the most amazing child. She had fallen in love with both of them and would happily spend the rest of her life making them happy.

The Roberts spent the evening with the Rabb family and Harriet got to spend time with Safina. She was so pleased Harm had found a woman that obviously adored both him and his son. She thought to herself how sad it was that Mac just threw away what she had.

Over the next few years, the Rabbs and the Roberts spent a lot of time together. The Roberts were there when Harm and Safina got married. The Rabbs were there when first A.J, then Jimmy graduated from high school. The Roberts became the god parents to Harm and Safina's daughter Amanda. Landon grew into a fine and handsome young man. He was the spitting image of his father. Amanda worshiped her big brother and Landon thought Amanda could do no wrong.

Unknown to his father, Landon, on his 18th birthday, had asked his grandfather about his birth mother. Frank told him everything. Landon had sat in silence for a while, then stood and went to the window to gaze out at the ocean. Frank had worried that he had not done the right thing. When Landon turned and looked at his grandfather, there were tears in his eyes. "I can't believe my dad loved me so much." He looked back at the window. Frank got up and stood behind his grandson, his hands placed gently on the young man's shoulders. "Now you know."

Landon never said anything to his dad about that conversation. Frank told Harm that Landon had asked, and that he had conveyed the entire truth to the boy. Harm kept waiting for Landon to say something to him, but he never did. Landon, just hugged his dad more often and told him he loved him more. Harm was relieved that the truth was out there. Landon knew he could talk to his father about this if he wanted to, but he decided there was no need. He had had all the love he could ever ask for. Safina was the only mother he had known, and given what his grandfather had told him, she was the only one he wanted to know. As far as he was concerned, thanks to his dad, he had dodged a bullet. There was no telling what his life would be like right now, had his dad not come and gotten him.

Landon had decided to go to Annapolis. He had no desire to be a Naval Aviator, but he knew the Navy could offer him a great opportunity. He was interested in and had an affinity for languages and knew that could be of great value to the military.

Bud and Harriet where there 4 years later when Landon graduated from Annapolis. They had all decided to go out for a celebratory dinner. Harm, Safina, their daughter Amanda who was a very grown up 11 year old by then, Landon, his girlfriend and the Roberts. None of them noticed the woman who had stopped at the window outside and was now collapsed on the sidewalk.

Mac had never thought anything like losing her son could happen to her. She had planned everything so well. When Harm had made that promise to her, she knew she just had to bide her time and eventually she would have the child she wanted. She had never intended to share a child, but she did want Harm to be the father. It had been her singular goal in life to be better than her own mother and she had no intention at all of ever risking becoming like her. To that end, she knew if there was no father around, she could not just walk out on a kid.

Harm was perfect. She didn't think he would ever settle down long enough to raise a family, but she might be able to get him in bed. This proved to be a lot harder than she thought it would be. He seemed to be resistant to the very thing that attracted so many other men. She was beginning to think he would never bed her, so she took matters into her own hands. Getting him slightly drunk lowered his inhibitions and saying the right words finally garnered her a place in his bed. They had had sex 3 times that night, and knowing she was ovulating, Mac was pretty certain she had achieved her goal.

She had already set up the alternate life, complete with new name, place to live and career. She had contacted her uncle Matt and asked him if it was ok for a friend of her to stay at his house in Arizona. Since he knew it would likely be years before he would be free, he consented. It would be good to have someone there to take care of the place.

Everything had gone as planned. She resigned her commission, packed up her belongings and left for Arizona. Not one good-bye to anybody. No one could know. She never really thought this would be a problem for Harm. He wouldn't know anything about the baby, and she didn't want him around complicating her life.

She gave birth to a son and named him Mackenzie Kingsley. She had thought it was a bit amusing to put Harm down as the father on the birth certificate. It would be her personal little secret. She elicited a lot of sympathy by telling people that she had been abandoned. Then, the unthinkable happened. Her son had been taken. No clues had been left, no ransom had been sought. He was just gone. She had her suspicions and tried to confirm them, but since she had all but disappeared as Sarah Mackenzie, she couldn't just step back into her old life and start asking questions. She would have more to answer than she could ask.

When the police could find no leads, and with her not willing to tell them the truth, the case was soon dropped in the unsolved bin. She tried to hire a P.I but they cost more than she had to spend. So, in the end, she had lost it all. In despair, she returned to the only comfort she had ever really known in life – booze.

Now, 22 years later, she was living in D.C, working in a seedy bar, trying to figure out why the men she tried to flirt with kept turning her away. In her mind, she didn't look any different than she had 20 years earlier. Telling herself none of them were worth her time anyway, she finished her shift and downed a few for the road. Heading out on foot, she weaved down the sidewalk that took her past a familiar Chinese restaurant. She stopped and looked in the window. It took her a minute, but then she recognized Bud and Harriet. She contemplated knocking on the window, but then her gaze drifted to the other people at the table. That was when she saw Harm, his arm around a beautiful woman, laughing at something a little girl was doing with chop sticks. Her eyes continued around the table and came to rest on him. She knew it was her son the moment she saw him.

Her first instinct was to march right in there and confront them all. As she started to turn from the window, she caught sight of her own reflection. Nearing 60 she easily looked 10 years older. Her gray hair was held back by an old barrette, and pulled back from her face like that, the jowls were more pronounced. She had been carrying around an extra 75 pounds for years, and that, coupled with the drinking, had aged her fast.

Suddenly she felt a sharp pain in her chest and her vision started to swim. She swayed for a moment, then fell in a heap on the sidewalk Her last thoughts on this earth were of her mother, and the realization that she had become the very thing she had tried to avoid. As a passerby bent down to assist her, Mac turned her head to the stranger and uttered, "why?"

The end.


End file.
